Failure.

Failure.

The word itself is as ugly as the meanings and connotations behind it. I don’t particularly like the word, but it’s about all I can come up with today, though not totally befitting.

I know I am not a failure. My life is not a failure. But we use the word so readily and so often to describe different areas of our lives. I’ve done the same. It’s an easy trap to fall in to. We have failed marriages, business failures, job losses, applications or tests that we don’t pass. They’re all failures of some sort, often projecting the sense of failure on us as humans.

I recently ventured out on a new opportunity. I even chased this opportunity for a year. A whole year of studying. How to achieve it. How to reach it. How to be part of it. And I reached it. Funny thing is, as I neared that goal, there was a very small part of me that was whispering, “This isn’t really for you. I know you’ve been chasing this, but I’m not so sure you’re up for it.” But, come on. After a year of going after something, don’t you think for one minute I’m gonna back off now. I mean, I made it this far. I’ve finally achieved it.

But even as I was going through the motions of making this change to implement this goal I had worked toward, I found myself having to make myself tell others I was excited about it. I was trying to encourage my enthusiasm.

What?

How often do we do that? Try to encourage our enthusiasm? And more importantly, why? Why do we think we have to continue telling ourselves to be excited for something that now our inner self is thinking just isn’t going to be a fit?

I do think there’s kind of an exception to this. When we know that what we have to go through to reach our end goal is gonna be crap, but we can still envision ourselves at that end goal. That’s now what I’m talking about.

Look at it this way. I strive for a year to get this job. I go through three interview processes. Each time, I pass all the testing and qualifying processes. The first interview though, I fail miserably. (Ooh. There’s that F-word.) The second interview, I fail as well. So after that, I asked for feedback. I took that info, worked it into my interview game, and nailed the third interview. Those feelings I mentioned earlier creep in, but I suppress them. But barely four weeks into the job, I realize without a doubt, I’m not a fit for this position. But truth be told, when I got the call that I had passed the interview, I acted excited, I told myself to be excited, I told others I was excited, but I noticed I didn’t actually feel it in my soul. And as the weeks progressed to moving to that position, I wasn’t only forcing myself to tell others I was excited, I was forcing myself to tell me.

But I had strived for this for so long! Wasn’t this exactly what I wanted and exactly where I wanted to be? Yes! Or so I told myself.

So, as I once again have created a bit of a cluster* in my life, I’ve come to a bigger realization. Again. Why do I make God knock me completely on my arse before I realize He’s taking care of things, including me, and listen? Why have I not learned to LISTEN to that quiet voice in my head? You know, the one that was saying, maybe you’re not excited like you should be because you know deep down, this isn’t you. This job description does not go along with who you are. You are not that person. And yes, I thought, maybe there’s a good reason I didn't pass two interviews!

Now don’t get me wrong. Our jobs do not define us. But, I believe there are jobs, careers, hobbies, etc., that are better fit for our personalities.

But, back to the bigger question. Why do I not listen? I’ve thought long and hard about this particular instance in my life. And I know God’s got this. And I’m thankful that He knocked me completely down this time sooner rather than later. Because even making those calls to the HR department and supervisors were not as hard as trying to make myself do the job. The feelings were there the whole time. But I suppressed them. And when I woke in the middle of the night with the same magnitude of anxiousness I had as when I went through the hardest time in my life a few years ago, I *finally* came to the realization that those feelings were not just a voice in my head. This was my God. This had nothing to do with being a hard thing. The job was “hard”, sure, but that wasn’t the problem. Heaven knows I’ve done hard. I’ve survived hard. I’m not scared of hard. This was more. This was stealing my peace. The anxiousness I felt was stealing my joy. My soul was not resting. And I vowed to myself a long time ago that nothing in this world was worth that. There is nothing on this earth that is worth giving up my peace of mind, heart and soul.

So, I got up, dried my anxious tears, said out loud, “I trust you, God,” and made those hard phone calls. And I walked into that job to return my stuff with my head held high because the angst was gone and peace was restored in my soul!

Do I know what the future holds? Not exactly. Like I said, I’ve kinda created a cluster* for HR.  But I know that my God knew that job was not for me, and wherever I am placed will be a fit and will be a much better place. (Though I do know as of this publishing that I was blessed enough to interview for and receive my old job back!)

“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a future and a hope.”
~Jeremiah 29:11

As for this all being a failure? I don’t believe in failures. I prefer to view these times as my dear friend so eloquently praised it: AFGO, Another Freaking Growth Opportunity.

~d